She’s not for Lease

I am not for lease.

Here is how I would describe the reasoning behind leasing a car. I know that I may want a new one in a few years. I am aware that there will be some restrictions but I’m ok with that because I am relieved at the idea that I am not stuck with it and am not committed to it for too long. Now imagine a person treating you the exact same way. Awful right? I know a woman who just got out of such a situation, but she wasn’t alone in this treatment. I have met many people that describe their relationships this way and don’t even realize that this is what is happening. And yes it is horrible because the leased car doesn’t have feelings. When it gets traded in it won’t need to recover emotionally from the treatment.  When a second car is leased even though it is still around, it doesn’t feel like it is being two timed.  But people do and it is happening all the time.  This woman was explaining that her some-time boyfriend would act like they were a couple except when he started to pull away.  Obviously at this point she would inquire about the change in behavior and be hit with the, “I never said this was serious”, response.  Now she is in a predicament because he is correct that they never had such a discussion but their constant talks on the phone, late nights, nice dinners, laughs and sex would give a very different impression as to the status of their relationship. The most confusing part would be when she would try to pull away, because this would then lead to him putting up a fight to keep her around and sometimes even a declaration of how much she means to him.

This is where we have the similarities in leasing a car.  The person calling the shots here was treating her like she was a car for lease. He clearly liked many things about her but not enough to commit long term.  The option to use her whenever he could was appealing, yet he couldn’t deny that he had an actual fondness for her too. In the end it turned out he found another “car to lease” on the side.  She eventually got tired of being a some-time type of property and got out of the relationship. But there is a great lesson here. You need to decide on how you want to be treated and take nothing short of that. If you want something long term, say that and mean it. If you want to keep your options open, say that too. But don’t try to mix the two together, because like I said, a car is not a person and you cannot have me for lease.

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Psycho Crazy Bitch

Being a Psycho Crazy Bitch is not cute

I was recently at a party and someone I met wanted some dating advice. She started off by saying she was a Psycho Crazy Bitch.  To which her girlfriend jumps in saying, “Oh yeah, she totally is. She is definitely a Psycho Crazy Bitch can you fix her?” Then they both laughed. Hold on, were they under the impression that being a Psycho Crazy Bitch was cute? Because it’s not, it’s really, really not.  Now I’m going to be honest here, I thought the Psycho Crazy Bitch was an urban legend.   Like mole people, hobbits or bridge trolls; characters that are fun to talk about because we know they are gross exaggerations of real people. I was sure that the Psycho Crazy Bitch was created by men who didn’t want to admit they “F-ed” up in a relationship. A caricature of this giant crazy eyed woman with wild hair, sharp nails, tattered clothes and obviously on her period. She’s constantly fuming with anger and always ready to bite the head off of any man. I’ve always hated this character, one, because she made women look bad, and two because statistically a “crazy” woman will scare you but a “crazy” man will kill you, and that’s far worse.  But the most important reason I hated this mythological creature feature is because it was always a go-to stereotype for every woman no matter her age, race or religion. Every woman on earth is believed to at least harbor their own Psycho Crazy Bitch and every man had to be sure they tried not to ignite it. Well, I would first like to point out this type of woman is real, rare, but real. I’ve met her and it’s the first time I’d ever actually been shocked. In all my years as a dating coach I would never have thought I would come across such a woman and especially find a woman who would actually call herself this verbal vomit of adjectives.  And just like that, in one evening, I encountered both. But I’m not sure which was worse, her being one, or her proudly announcing it like it was the next YouTube dance sensation.

So I was appalled, I had to find out why she would call herself this name in such a “matter of fact” way.  She said guys are always calling her crazy so she might as well act like she was. Really? Really? Is that a thing now? Someone calls you a name enough therefore you begin to “act” accordingly? What kind of mess? No, no, all wrong. Unacceptable and stupid. First, do not let someone else define you or dictate how and who you are supposed to be. Second, under no circumstance should you be proud to bare the image of a person who is irrational, illogical or suffering from an untreatable mental condition. This is not cute, not on fleek, not about that life and any other pop culture slang reference you can place here.  As I said earlier, this exaggerated referral to someone who makes bad romantic decisions as a Psycho Crazy Bitch is doing a disservice to all three words. Because if someone were to actually embody either the Psycho or the Crazy they would be Dextor. A serial killing sociopath. And the Bitch part, well, dam nit society, get of it. Everyone, and I mean everyone got some bitch in them, so move on from it being a label you have uniquely attached to women.

So can we put that to rest please? Calling women Psycho Crazy Bitch is ridiculous because unless she was featured on an episode of Snapped, she probably was just too much for you to handle. And for you women who have actually started calling yourself this name? I just have one thing to say to you. Being a Psycho Crazy Bitch is NOT CUTE!

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Your Age is Showing

I met someone recently, a woman, 32, who was complaining about a guy she was seeing, he was 45. She wanted to know how to break him of all his childish text messaging. This seemed like a strange request because I wouldn’t expect that from someone in their mid-40’s. So, I had to see what she was talking about, she showed me and I was embarrassed for him. There was so much slang and abbreviated words that his texts read like a pre-teen twitter rant.  His entire conversation with her was immature, random and just as she explained, childish.  And this wasn’t some sort of inside joke between them because she would respond with cohesive questions and answers yet he still felt the need to sound like a MTV prank show host. Now he wasn’t this way all the time, for work he dress and spoke appropriately but whenever they needed to hang out it was Ed Hardy shirts and backwards caps.  This reminded me of a woman I saw in a department store some years ago, she had waist length bleached hair, many silver bangles, a hot pink sleeveless, tattered, cropped t-shirt and ripped jeans with some platform sneakers. She was about 55 years old. The first thing I thought was, “who is this supposed to fool?”.  Clearly she wanted to look around 25, but any man with working eyes would know she was nowhere near her 20’s. So the next question was who was she trying to attract? See, we can get away with appearing anywhere on the spectrum of our age group. So if you are 39 you can look 30, 59 can look 50. This is fine, it’s closer to how one ages anyway. But you know what doesn’t work? Someone 59 trying to look 25.

I had a friend in his late 30’s that used to tell me people always said to him that he looks 25 years old, and he had the best answer. He would then tell them, “sure I look 25, until you stand me next to one.” That is exactly right, if you are trying to date say someone with five years of your age they are aware of what that age is usually going to look like. This is true if you are trying to date someone 10 to 20 years outside of your age group as well. I am 35 and if I dated a guy in his 50’s it’s not because he looks or acts like he’s 35, because then I would just date someone who was actually 35! When someone goes that far out of their age group it’s because they are looking for something specific to that age, whether it be physical, mental or financial.

People would like to believe that age is just a number and as long as you don’t feel your age it’s as if you aren’t that age. Not quit, there are major differences in generations starting with mindset.  Now, I’m not saying people don’t adapt and grow with the times, but pretending that what is appealing or enticing to someone 21 would be the same for someone 41 or even 51 is just stupid.  Feeling young and being young are not the same thing.  Also, your age is appealing, it’s a part of you, there are experiences that brought you to this place.  Be proud you lived this long, however long that may be. Every age group has it’s perks and these are things you need to embrace. So if you’re under the age of 35, great, and if you’re over 35, also great.  The movie Benjamin Button was not based on a real person; you are not aging in reverse. Oh, and by the way, nothing makes you look older than trying to fool people into thinking you’re younger.

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App Dating tips…..For Men

App Dating Tips, Men listen up!

Full disclosure, this is going to be a little one sided. I recently joined a dating app recommended by a girlfriend. Within ten profiles something interesting started to stand out. Guys need a lot of help on what they should post to attract women. You might be lost so here’s a short break down of how this particular app works, at least from the straight female’s end. I point this out only because I have read that the options of reaching out change depending on the sexual preferences, gender and relationship goals. If you are a straight female looking for a straight male, here is the process. You connect to your Facebook account, I believe for authenticity purposes. You can then upload five pictures, your location, profession and occupation.  This exact same set up is available for men.  And here is where my advice based on my observation begins. If I was alone in this opinion I might leave it and assume that perhaps I’m just being picky but since me and the girlfriend that turned me on to this app have shared many laughs based on these observations I am lead to believe I may be on to something. The advice I am about to give is mainly for men, but the women reading this can let me know if they agree or not.

 

As explained, men have the same options for giving us a clue about themselves as we do. They can upload up to five pictures, they tell us their age, occupation and education. Knowing that this is limited in what you can share you would hope more thought would go into this. Some guys miss the boat completely. Here are just a few pieces of advice for the men.

  • When it comes to men over 40, pictures of you in your 20’s are irrelevant unless you have a time machine and can take us back to said heyday. I’m really not sure why we would be excited to see how great you used to look.
  • Pictures of you with giant fish are useless. Women have little to no appreciation for the effort involved in catching giant fish. There’s a reason there are never any women in those pictures with them.
  • It’s weird that you pet wild animals like lions and tigers. We don’t see that picture and think you’re brave or that maybe you’ll take us to the strange place that allows this. We just think, why?
  • Pictures with you and scantily clad dressed girls is not the picture you should have in your profile. It allows us to speculate the situation and that will never work in your favor.
  • Your bio is your one shot to say something cleaver, don’t waste it on being a douche
  • If you are accompanied by other men in every picture, we won’t know which one you are and we’ll be very upset if we guessed wrong.
  • Make sure all the pictures look similar in the face. If there is a rouge picture where you practically look like a different person, we’ll second guess which one you look most like. We might assume you look like the worst one.
  • Stating that you are very masculine, especially more than once, raises red flags. It sounds like at some point we will have a conversation about gender roles. In 2016
  • If all your pictures are out of focus, you might need glasses. Ask a friend
  • “Looking for a girl that’s up for adventure”. We don’t know what that means. So stop typing it.

As I said those were just a few of the most popular observations.  Men, I am not alone in this opinion. I have spoken to other women to see if perhaps I was missing something but it turned out you guys were the ones missing something. A clue about women. This has been your dating public service announcement.

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Passion Vs Drama

There is a big difference between drama and passion. Do not confuse the messy  commotion in your relationship for passion. It’s most likely just mess. I know people who yell at each other, saying obscene and horrible things. Slams doors, throws things, then have what they would describe as “great make-up sex”.  I would always ask if it was worth it? The hour of good sex makes up for the hours, days or even weeks of anger, heart ache and pain? If they were to look at their relationship as a ride they would see the downs lasting the longest, and are way more frequent than the ups. Their whole experience with this person is more down than up, or as I would like to say more drama than passion. More problems than solutions and more mess that tranquility.

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Let me live

All too often people let someone in their life and then they just stop.  They stop working out, they stop eating healthy, they stop achieving. If a person in your life is keeping you from living the life you want, they need to go. I see so many people that have potential and make real efforts to be their best selves until their anchor comes along and puts a halt on everything.  But it isn’t always the newcomer’s fault. They may not even know they are a hindrance. Sometimes their mere presence is causing such a great distraction that nothing productive can get done. And that’s too bad because the new person in your life is an addition not a subtraction.   The new person in your life shouldn’t keep you from achieving your goals, they should help you get there faster. And if you know you are the type of person who is easily distracted by their relationships then you might need to wait until your goals are met before getting into anything serious.

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Good for you

Just because someone is a great person doesn’t mean they are great for you. Holding on to someone that isn’t right for you is holding you back from meeting the person that is. I hear it all the time, women especially feeling really guilty for breaking up with someone that they know is a good person. They will even think something is wrong with them for not liking someone so great. But sometimes their greatness is better suited for someone else, and you’re not doing anyone a favor by staying around simply because you’d feel bad leaving. If you don’t want them you don’t want them. Do what’s best for everyone in this relationship and let it go.

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First blog post

Yep, you read it right. I Know How To Date. And when I say that, I mean I know how to date so that I don’t have a hot mess of a situation on my hands. And lucky you for finding this blog because I will tell you how to do it.  I will also occasionally allow you to ask me questions so I can make the advice catered to you directly. Oh, and you will also see links to my dating articles ranting about dating issues I’ve come across.  And last but not least, you can get linked to my book! It’s a novella about four girlfriends dating in LA, but the main character is a blogger and she gives advice on dating!  Really, really good advice. So grab it and be both entertained and informed.

 

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